Tag Archives: pain

The blessed mourner

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Life has never been so overwhelming for me. I had encountered hardship and pain before, but this was one of a kind. There were days when I sat in silence and just did not know what to say anymore; I was puzzled and confused. How can so many hurtful things all happen at once, and why in this way?

The journey commenced in January 2015 when the Lord spoke to me and told me to urgently go to Uganda to pray for my grandmother. At first I doubted my hearing, especially since my grandmother was of a different faith. However, my prayer partner received the same revelation and said she would also accompany me on the journey.

So in April 2015, I went to Uganda. We asked my 87-year-old grandmother if she was receptive to us praying for her and she agreed. We laid our hands on her, prayed for her and her salvation. She was so grateful and asked when we would come back and pray for her. That was the last time I saw her. She passed away in December 2015.

Last time I saw my grandmother, April 2015
Last time I saw my grandmother, April 2015

             

I was shocked as I did not have an incline that she would pass, let alone that the significance of the prayer and that it would usher her into heaven. It really taught me that when God calls you to move and do something, you have to act instantly- no hesitation or doubt. I was really distraught by her death and as she passed away a few days before Christmas and my arrival in Uganda, it was a sombre mourning festive season.

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It was during this trip that I got my hearts desire to pray for John, a minister who spiritually guided me over the years (read blog post – Discerning the season). He was a man of God who I looked up to, who believed one-day God would use me and wanted to see its manifestation. He suddenly passed away in July 2016. It was very devastating and painful. For days, I would stay awake at night wondering if this was really happening. I just didn’t understand how someone who had just started such a huge ministry passed away so suddenly.

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Minister and close friend, John Baptist Mukajanga

During this time of mourning, is when I found out my cousin, brother and friend Hamim had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I don’t even know if the word “shocked” can sum up how I felt when I got the news. Is this really all happening at once? How can a fit, athletic, non-smoker, 29-year-old have lung cancer?

I found myself for the next few weeks going to the hospital almost daily to see him, to try and encourage him. The good thing is that he had a lot of friends around him and a big family support. I continued to ask God to heal him and for his salvation (as he was of another faith) but he became worse every day. Within weeks, he went from being a healthy athlete to being unable to talk and eat. It was heart breaking. It was during this time that I went on a prebooked holiday to Uganda. Days after arriving in Uganda is when he passed away. This was August 2016. I just couldn’t believe that another close person had passed away within the space of weeks.

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With my cousin, brother and friend Hamim

The pain became unbearable- I could feel the physical heart ache. This lead to panic attacks and depression. Depression is a silent killer which brought along old bad habits/sins, confusion and disconnecting me from the Lord. I stopped hearing and dreaming and was unable to pray. The spirit of fear had taken over and I was unable to sleep at night. I allowed the pain to consume me, and that was a mistake I made. However, at this time, I no longer knew how to deal with it or what to do anymore.

A week after my return from Uganda, my mum woke me up at 6 am. She initially asked me how I slept and if I was okay. I said yes. It was at that time that she informed me that my other grandmother had passed away. This was a lady I had seen the previous week before my return to London. She was fit, healthy and jolly and there was no sign that it would be the last time I would see her. At this moment, I felt like bad news had become the norm of my life. As I continued to suffer from anxiety, I went back to old habits and sins. I felt trapped in a box.

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Last time I saw my grandmother, August 2016

During this time, people would still send me their prayer requests and would ask me when I was next posting a post on Pearl Sisters. But I thought to myself, “How can I encourage some else when I need encouragement myself?”

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As much as people told me I was going to be “alright” and “get through it”, the times when I was alone in my bed  were when the real manifestation of emotions occurred. It was at this stage that I realised that only God was going to get me through and strengthen me.

1 Samuel 30:6 David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.

The Holy Spirit reminded me that this was for a season (read the blog post Discerning the season), and this season would pass. I started to discern the tricks the enemy was using to destroy me and my ministry, and knew I needed to stand firm. So I took a step back from ministry to focus on myself, my healing and deliverance.  I knew I needed to continue, to encourage someone that everything will be okay.

I want to encourage you today that regardless of what you are going through, you will get through it alive and in one piece. We all go through stages in life where it is so difficult, painful and sorrowful. But this is the time you need to hold unto God the most. He is the only one who can restore and repair and there is always a great lesson to be learnt. It is okay sometimes to take a step back and reflect, seek God for direction and focus on yourself. Take your time, there is no rush. God has seen every tear, pain, and sadness and it is His will for your to be joyful. Take courage.


In memory of Jajja Namutebi, Jajja Namazzi, JB and Hamim xxx


Blessed are the broken hearted

In this life journey, we have all had our hearts broken at some point in our lives. The emotional feeling when you think your world is coming to an end accompanied with an endless atrocious pain. The aching heart which manifests as if it’s about to physically erupt- consolation is unable heal the broken heart. One will wonder, where is God and why has He allowed such a thing to happen to me? Or perhaps it is all entirely my fault? What could I have done to avoid this situation?

Two months ago, I found myself asking God these questions. A close friend of mine had sadly passed away from adrenal cortical carcinoma. We all know that death is inevitable, yet when it occurs the shock is unexpected and unbearable- irony (Genesis 3:19 “By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return”). I remember 6 months ago when I found out about her illness. I went before the Lord and prayed and had a captivating vision. I saw a white room, glowing with light and a white coffin in the middle. I started contemplating whether I had really seen this or whether this was my imagination. But deep in my heart I knew this was confirmation that it was her time to be with the Lord. Dazzled with emotions, I continued praying for her and believed God for her healing (Psalm 77:14” You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples”). Whenever I spoke to her, she was weak but joyful, anticipating on when we would see each other again. We planned all the activities we would do, and reminisced on old memories. Up until the very end, she was positive, knowing that the Lord would heal her from this unpleasant condition. I had planned to see her, and although she was 4000 miles away, I knew I would get there in time to spend time with her and physically pray with her. My deepest heart desire for her was that God would use her as a vessel to show His healing power, and to bring more people to the Lord- for it to be evident that the miracles that occurred during the days of the apostles are still very much a alive. 6 days before my departure, she passed away. I was devastated and even now at times when I remember her it brings tears to my eyes- Gone too soon! I was disappointed and sorrowful, with many unanswered questions. “God, If in Your word it says that “..by His stripes we are healed” (Isaiah 53:5),why did you not heal her and let her live?”. 

Sometimes our prayers are not answered in the way in which we want them to be answered (Isaiah 55:8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the LORD”). However, God has a way of manifesting His mighty power in all situations. My friends’ medical condition made headlines throughout the nation and disseminated to communities within the diaspora, as well as on social media. Worldwide people were praying for her healing.  People sympathized with her and donated financial funds towards her medical treatment. The day before her death, a car wash fundraising campaign was launched in which over £20,000 was raised to aid her treatment. Her departure touched the lives of many.

I have come to understand that although we plan things in our life, God already knows our beginning and ending (Revelation 1:8 “I am the Alpha and the Omega-the beginning and the end,” says the Lord God. “I am the one who is, who always was, and who is still to come-the Almighty One”). It is His desire for us to join Him after we have completed our purpose on earth and live in eternal joy (John 14:4 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me.  My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going”).

When a loved one leaves us, whether it is in a relationship or to be with the Lord, it leaves a hole in our heart that only the Lord is able to fulfill. Its very easy to praise and thank God when we get what we want and when we are joyful; but what about in disheartening, sorrowful, disappointing times? (“1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 “Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus”). My prayer for you today is that regardless of the kind of heartbreak you are going through, God still loves you and has an amazing plan for you. The fact that you are still alive shows that you still have an impact to make on this earth and have a bright future ahead. It is always hard to say goodbye to a loved one and there are many unanswered questions. But there is always something to be thankful for- always!

In the loving memory of RN, miss you loads xxx

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       Blessed are the broken-hearted- prayer

Dear Lord,

I thank You for today and for the amazing plans You have for me. I thank You because the joy of the Lord is upon my lips and I am blessed and highly favoured. Father, I come before You because of (state situation). Lord, my heart is heavy and I am in pain: spiritually, physically and emotionally. Father, You see all that I have gone through and know You are with me, I am not alone. I pray that during this time you will be my source of strength (Psalm 46:1 “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble”). I pray that you will help me to understand that everything I go through in life has a beautiful ending. I may not understand it now but pray that You will heal me and help me to forget about this experience. Help me to forgive all those who have hurt and disappointed me.  I pray that You will bring the right people in my life that will encourage, uplift, love and bring joy to my life. Anyone that is not meant to be in my life, I cut them off in the name of Jesus. Restore me O Lord, renew my strength and help me to continue to run the race of faith. I pray that You will carry any burden I may be carrying (Matthew 11:28  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest”). Help me to put all my trust in You and remember that man will disappoint me but You never will. I thank you for I believe my prayer has been answered. AMEN.

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Prayer of healing (bereavement)

I thank You for this time, I thank You for today, I thank You for the wonderful plans that You have for my life. I thank You for waking me up today, for allowing me to see another day. I do not take this for granted (Psalm 127:2 “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat- for he grants sleep to those he loves”). Father, although my heart is heavy right now, I know it is pleasing to You to praise and thank You even in our lowest moments. My prayer for today is that you will heal me from the pain I am encountering because of the death of my loved one (Matthew 5:4  “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted”). It is difficult to know that I will not see this person again and that they are gone forever. Whenever I think about them, it brings such sorrow and sadness and words cannot explain how I feel. I pray that during this time You will comfort me and be my strength (Isaiah 43:2 “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze”). May you strengthen my family and that of (state the persons name). May I acknowledge that this was Your perfect will and that nothing happens without You allowing it. I thank you for allowing (state the persons name) to fulfill their earthly purpose and for being a blessing to my life. Help me to hold on to the precious moments I had with (state the persons name) and pray that they have joined You in eternity, a place without pain, sadness and sorrow. Help me to move on forward with my life and fulfill the purpose you have for me on earth. AMEN   

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