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Bullied at work

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Two years ago, I moved to The Netherlands for work. On my first day, I was introduced to my team. My manager told my colleagues which “band” I was on and that I had no prior experience. She made a sarcastic comment and said “.. not sure why she is on this band considering she doesn’t have any experience”. My new colleagues started to complain saying that it took them ‘years’ to reach that band and that it was not fair. That is when my horrifying experience began. There I was day in day out in an office with colleagues who refused to talk to me. I ate my lunch alone. They were supposed to train me on the job, but refused to train me. After two months, my manager instructed them they had to do so at all cost.

After 3 weeks of training, my colleagues informed my manager that I was ‘not competent’ and would never be able to learn the tasks of the role. They refused to sign me off, thus my manager assigned me to do filing and photocopying. The lady who was working me was unfriendly from the beginning. Eventually we got round to talking about church and she told me she was a church goer. She was so cold, she would come in, not say hello and sit next to me for the next 8 hours. Then reported me to my manager that I was making a “mess of things” and unable to file. She reported that when she left the room I would check her e-mail (her desktop was locked) and go through her locker (which was locked with a key). By this time, I was becoming depressed, unable to sleep at night and asking God why He allowed me to move to The Netherlands to endure such hardship.

My manager whom I had confided in, also turned against me. She was the only one who would go to lunch with me. She made it clear that she was my manager and had a High School diploma. My university piece of paper was useless. I was on a one year contract. Without my knowledge, my manager informed the director that I was not performing well and that my contract should not be extended. The director had hired me from the UK and was shocked by the feedback. He said that my interview was very good and was surprised I was not managing the role. God gave me favour with this man, and he renewed by contract for a further 11 months. My manager was not pleased about it and ensured that I did not get a pay rise.

I was nominated for an awards ceremony for the members of staff who attributed to the core values of the company. I was humbled, thankful and had a prepared a speech. Two days before the event, one of the organizers told me they had to take me off from the event. They received information that I was not a good role model for the company and based on the information given, they had chosen another candidate. It ended up that one of my colleagues went to the organizer and spoke many lies. I was heartbroken.

Also, all my colleagues were allowed to go on courses besides me. It was one excuse after the other as to why I couldn’t follow a course. Moreover I already had a “piece of paper” and so there was nothing else they could offer me. That is when I decided to pursue a masters whilst studying fulltime without their knowledge. I completed this with a distinction within one year on a scholarship (see God’s restoration blogpost ).

The maltreatment at work continued, there were days when I just wanted to quit. I went back to the Father and reminded Him of the promise He gave me when I moved. I had received a prophetic message that God opened the door for the career move to elevate me. However, this was a contrast. One day, I said to myself, I could no longer take the treatment. I made an appointment with the director and told him everything whilst uncontrollably crying. That is when he told me all the lies my manager had told him. The next day, I was moved to another department. In this department, I have been accepted and the colleagues are wonderful. I also now have a permanent contract.

A few weeks ago, I posted on my Linkedin that I had completed my masters with a picture of my graduation ceremony. Who were the first to comment? My former manager and the colleague who got me removed from the awards ceremony and refused to sign my training. Then, I bumped into them in the corridor and they were praising me for how amazing my academic achievement was and that they had no idea I was doing the course whilst working. I politely said thank you and walked away. I forgive them for their ignorance.

Psalm 23:5

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

I can now confirm that (less than a year later) I have been promoted to one of the prestige positions within the company. This was a position that I did not apply for, but was handed to me by the Vice President of the business unit for my academic success and hard work . In addition to this, the lady who reported me for not being able to file will be reporting to me- THANK YOU JESUS!

I want to encourage you today that God sees your struggle-nothing goes unnoticed. Sometimes, God allows us to go through the fire to build character and produce testimonies. Once God elevates you, He will elevate you higher than you ever imagined!

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God’s restoration

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restorarionI have always loved studying. My mum sometimes reminds me that when I was in primary school and did not get an A, I would sob the whole day and cry. I wouldn’t say I was naturally ‘clever’, but hard work was installed in me.

Five years ago, last term of my degree in Biomedical Science. My research project was the last component to complete my degree. My supervisor, Mrs H, refused to offer any assistance. She didn’t come to the lab to show us how to hold a pipette, let alone explain to us what microvesicles were. She ignored all emails. With four weeks to go, I knew that if a divine intervention did not occur ASAP, my final grade for my dissertation would be 0 and I would drop down to a third class degree. I remembered how three years prior, I had gotten a conditional offer to study medicine. The day my exams started, my dad passed away. I chose to not go to Uganda to bury my father, and focus on ‘passing my exams’. I ended up failing miserably, and my route was diverted to Biomedical Science. Is this how my journey was going to end once again?

One day in the lab, I bumped into a PhD student conversing with one of the lab technicians. The lab technician introduced me and said: “Vanessa is also doing a project in microvesicles”. That is how myself and Ahmed clicked and for the next three weeks, we worked long hours on my project and even stumbled upon a new scientific discovery. His supervisor, the professor was so impressed with my work; he invited me for an interview for a PhD position. The interview went well, and given an offer to commence in 3 months. Mrs H wanted to submit a proposal for a research paper using my results. She contacted me and asked if I could send it before the due date and that she would refer to me in the ‘abstract’. I told her that I no longer had the word version of my dissertation. Why would I help someone who offered me zero assistance? In hindsight, perhaps I should have sent it to her. Out of spite, she went to the professor and I don’t know what was discussed in that office, but he was no longer interested in having me on board. I never heard from him again.

By God’s grace, I ended up completing my degree with a 2:1. One day, one of the technicians called me in confidence and told me I was never to tell or show anyone what he was going to show me. I agreed. He told me that they had stored research projects in the office next to the lab and he found my dissertation. I saw the grade 87 % being crossed out with a red pen to 70%. I was heart-broken.

I knew that with my research project, I would be able to attend a better university for further studies. I got a place at one of the best universities in the world to pursue my masters. I had worked as a science technician at a secondary school, and used all the money I earnt to pay for the course. From the first day I started at the university, I felt like I didn’t belong. Perhaps it was because I was one of few women of colour on my campus. I worked extremely hard during that year and didn’t go out (only had money for my travel card and for my lunch).

When I received my results, I scored very highly on my thesis, but received 0 for all three exams. I knew the course was intense and challenging, but didn’t expect to fail that badly. I was informed I have failed the course, not allowed to see my test papers and to come back in a year to resit. During this year, I was not offered any help and had to pay for these resits. I spent an entire year studying whilst working at this point. I sat the exams and I received the same results. I was not allowed to appeal, not allowed to see my test papers and was not allowed to receive any form of diploma. All they were willing to do is issue a letter from admin that I ‘attended’ the university.

For me, that was the most painful situation I have ever been in. I worked immensely hard to raise the money, studied long hours to end up empty-handed. I cried to God, “Take me home, I am tired of these disappointments”. It was my heart’s desire that God would one day compensate me for the disgrace, pain and disappointments.

Two years went by and I was working in the cytogenetics lab at one of the London NHS hospitals. The NHS was funding a handful of employees to pursue a masters in Genetics (course I had previously done) at one of the affiliated universities. I believed God for restoration and my manager put me forward and I was given the grant to do the masters (part-time whilst working full-time). I was so thankful, as this is what I had asked Him for. However, the following week, I was offered a job in Amsterdam which was a stepping stone in my career and an offer I could not reject. Why has this job offer come at a time like this? As painful as it was, I rejected the masters offer and moved to Amsterdam.

For months I pondered upon whether I had made the right choice to leave the masters opportunity for a job. I still didn’t have peace about it, so I started looking for masters courses within my current field (pharmaceuticals). I applied for a distant learning masters course in Pharmaceutical Sciences at one the top UK University for studying Pharmacy. They offered me a place on the one year course. I couldn’t afford to work part-time, so this meant working 40 hours whilst pursuing a full-time masters. I took a leap of faith and paid the tuition fee. On the day of enrolment, I happened to stumble on a scholarship on the university site. This scholarship was a full academic scholarship. I had nothing to lose (I had already lost enough) and decided once again to take a leap of faith and submitted the forms. To my surprise, I was invited for a Skype interview with the professors. A week later, I was granted a full scholarship and my fees was reimbursed in full (this happened to be on my birthday). This was last year. Two weeks ago, I was awarded a distinction for my masters.

God is amazing, He is big. It is us who limit Him. He is the one who restores, honors and blesses. When He blesses, He does not hold back. He taught me how to hold unto Him during pain, to have faith for the impossible and to never let go of my heart’s desire. I thank God for the tribulations because out of it He has molded me, as well as birthed out a testimony glorifying Him.

For it is written:

The LORD says, “I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. It was I who sent this great destroying army against you.

Who would ever have thought that the girl who missed out on medical school, PhD, and a masters from a top university would one day complete her masters in one year with a distinction whilst working full-time on a full time scholarship? That could only be the hand of God!

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The three-folded cord- testimonial

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The three-folded cord

Whenever I remember this testimony, it reminds me of the need to have tough skin and the persistency not to give up. The practicality of holding on to the blessing God has given you, and not to surrender it. To encourage myself in the word of God, even when the world believes my situation will not change- silence those words. To reprogram our minds to live in victory, knowing that God will not disappoint us for totally surrendering to Him.

The beauty of a prayer partner is that through the journey of partnership, you experience life transforming events that only the two of you will ever understand. “What do you want to pray about”? I asked him. He responded: “I want to pray for my wife and for my marriage. Things have been challenging and my wife does not see things spiritually the way I do”. I knew that things were deeper than he was telling me, and that he was desperate for a divine intervention from God. With time, he started to explain the challenges he was facing, and He needed someone that would stand with him in prayer, to usher him into his breakthrough.

For the coming 6 months, we prayed every day without fail. I was doing my masters at the time and was very busy with assignments. But I always made time for our prayer session. It was something to look forward to as we were believing God for a miracle.

He knew my timetable and I knew his. We became part of one another’s lives. I would look for an empty lecture room or even sit in the car park for us to pray on the phone. He would call me on his lunch breaks from his car and was willing to skip anything to ensure we kept the momentum going.

Some days were good, you could feel God’s presence. However, other days were dull, and we were asking ourselves if it was even worth carrying on. The more we prayed, the more dreams and visions we both would got about each other lives and the clearer we were able to hear God’s voice. There were days when he was weary and tired, and I had to keep giving him words of encouragement to keep going. His current situation was getting worse and contrary from what we were praying for. But he kept on praying. There were days when I would ask myself whether I was wasting my time, but the Holy Spirit kept reminding me I needed to be there for him.  It is amazing how much you can learn from one another. I am more of a seer and he has immense knowledge of the word. I now understand that iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17).

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After a couple of months of praying, my prayer partner called me. I will never forget that May. He shared what had happened in their household. He did not tell me in detail what exactly happened. He said he and his wife were in the living room and an unexplainable presence entered the room. At that moment, something touched the both of them and they decided to rededicate their marriage to the Lord. For them that was a new start, new beginning in their marriage and their relationship with God. (Ecclesiastes 4:12  And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken).

Our prayer sessions were replaced with his prayer sessions with his wife. She is a seer, God shows her things concerning him, and he uses his knowledge in the word to add to their Christian walk together. Him and his wife prayer together each day, and willingly.

When the season ended I felt sad. I was used to having my routine of prayer with my prayer partner, and despite it being time consuming, it was one of the best seasons I have had. However, when I see at what God has done in his life, his wife’s life and how God has transformed their marriage, I can only say that it could have only been God!

Things I learnt from this testimony:

  • Don’t listen to every word of advice you get from your friends

Not everyone has our best intentions. Ask God for discernment and for the right people in your life. Make God the go-to-person for everything.

  • Strength yourself with the word of God

The word of God gives us power and strength to overcome every situation

  • Ask God to give you a seasonal prayer partner

We are one body and we need support from one another to fulfill our purpose.

  • Take by force the blessing God has given you

We should always guard blessing and not allow it to slip away from us John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. 

  • God is teaching you something in this season.

There is always something to be learnt in each season, it is never a waste of time.

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Prayer of sincerity

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ps-3I always admired the stories in the bible of God speaking directly to His children. I was in awe and wondered how people could possibly not listen to an instruction given to them by God. ‘I mean He is God- who does that!’

Little did I realize that I was that person myself. I mean, He may not have appeared to me in a burning bush like Moses, but He was indeed speaking and I was ignoring Him on purpose! How did I know it was Him talking to me? I just knew it; ‘those thoughts could never have been my own’. Most often, an instruction was placed on my heart and I would ignore it because of its inconvenience. But the burden would not go away until I acted upon it. Furthermore, I would repetitively have the same dream; different scenarios, but the same message. And still, I would not react upon it. I was running away from God- disobedience.

There have been other scenarios when I did a runner. Usually, when pleasing myself was the top priority rather than pleasing God. At the time it feels great eating the piece of triple chocolate cake, but once the calories start adding up, the guilt kicks in – is it really worth it? The same melody would play in my mind over and over again: ‘How can I now go back to God and repent for the hundredths time? I am too ashamed to even call myself Christian ‘– guilty.

The beauty of God is that He is all knowing and sees all. The things that man tries to cover up, He has seen them. In fact, knowing that You would do these things did not change His mind about dying on the cross for you – unconditional love.

When God instructed Jonah and gave him a word, he disobeyed and ran away.

Jonah 1:1-3 The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.

The amazing thing about God is that He does not give up us, even when we turn our backs on Him. He brings various situations our way, to align us to His perfect will for our lives.

Jonah 1:4　Then the　Lord　sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.　

Moreover, because of His unconditional love, He can unsettle a situation around you to get your attention.

Jonah 1: 14:16　Then they cried out to the　Lord, “Please,　Lord, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man,　for you,　Lord, have done as you pleased.”　Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm.　　At this the men greatly feared　the　Lord, and they offered a sacrifice to the　Lord　and made vows　to him.

Even when we turn the wrong direction, God is always ready to capture us and lead us unto the right path.

Jonah 1:17 Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.

One thing I loved about the story of Jonah is that only did he eventually do the will of God, He gave Him thanksgiving. When Jonah said a prayer of sincerity, God delivered Him.

Jonah 2:9-10 But I, with shouts of grateful praise,will sacrifice to you.

What I have vowed I will make good.I will say, ‘Salvation comes from the Lord.’”

And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.

If you are like Jonah and have been running away from God, He is ready to embrace you in His arms. I encourage you today, to say a prayer of sincerity; God has not given up on you and will deliver you in Jesus name.

Dear Lord,

I thank You for the gift of life, for loving me unconditionally. Although I have been faithless, You have been faithful. Today, I come before You and repent of my sins. I repent of all the sins I may have committed, knowingly and unknowingly. There are some things I am so ashamed to say that I have done, I pray that You will help me to forgive myself. As You forgive me, give me the grace to forgive others. Today, I rededicate my life to you. I totally surrender all to You, without You I am nothing. I have tried the ways of the world, and have gained no satisfaction. Only You can complete me. I pray that You will order my steps, guide me in the right path and be my decision maker. I pray that You will help me to fulfil the plans You have for me in my life, and to make an impact in Your kingdom. In Jesus name I pray, AMEN.

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The humility of John The Baptist

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We have become pleasers of the world and ourselves. Our outer image has deceptively covered up our inner dirt. The layers pile up trying to uphold unrealistic expectations of a Christian. But for how long will we deceive one another and most importantly ourselves? God transparently sees all that concerns us and we cannot deceive Him. He knows all our flaws, weaknesses, sins and is still willing to use us despite all this.

There is exquisiteness about the characteristic of humility. It is a characteristic which brings us closer to the ways of God, disbelieving we are better than one another and brings about acceptance. John the Baptist is a man whose humility I greatly admire. His life from beginning to end is an inspiration and can immensely help us with our spiritual walk.

John the Baptists’ evangelistic journey was not in a mega church, he did not have a social media account nor was he on a tv channel; he was in the wilderness! How many of us would devote our lives to evangelizing in the wilderness?

He did not wear a flashy suit, nor did he have a glass pulpit, however he knew who he was in Christ and his God given purpose!

Matthew 3:1-6 John’s clothes were made of camel’s hair, and he had a leather belt around his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey. People went out to him from Jerusalem and all Judea and the whole region of the Jordan. Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River.

As much as times have changed, it was evident that John was not living the most luxurious life, and yet was not complaining. Many of us hold ourselves back from doing God’s work because of not living up to a ‘particular standard’. But who are we trying to please?

John who knew his purpose and did not think he was better than anyone because he was more anointed. He could have glorified himself as there were not many men of God around during his time. However, he remained humble.

Matthew 3:11-12 ”I baptize you with water for repentance. But after me comes one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not worthy to carry. He will baptize you witch the Holy Spirit and fire”

Even with all the annointing he had, he did not count himself better than anyone else. He didn’t complain about the little he had, nor did he brag about his relationship with Jesus. He was respectful and regarded Jesus as higher than him. Although he was being used by God, he knew he was unworthy and not righteous. He was humble.

Matthew 3:13-14 Then Jesus came from Galilee to the Jordan to be baptized by John. But John tried to deter him, saying, “I need to be baptized by you, and do you come to me?”

How many of us have thought we were better than others because of our annointing or spiritual gifts? Does one ever think God has given some spiritual gifts because of their good deeds? Do we show off because we know an annointed person or well-known pastor. I know I have.

Many of us have received prophetic words of what God has ordained over our lives and what is to come. Some may even share this with others. Despite knowing his great calling, John never boasted about it.

Luke 1:76-80 And you, my child, will be called a prophet of the Most High; for you will go on before the Lord to prepare the way for him to give his people the knowledge of salvation through the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, by which the rising sun will come to us from heaven to shine on those living in darkness and in the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the path of peace.” And the child grew and became strong in spirit; and he lived in the wilderness until he appeared publicly to Israel.

Sometimes, God can allow us to fall flat on our faces, experience disappointment and shame in order to humble us. He then teaches us to fully depend on Him; for us not to say we did things with our own might. Regardless of how clever, how hard we work or how rich we are, God requires humility and wants to be present in all of it. The love of God cannot be earned, can it be bought- yet despite all we continuously do daily, He still choses to love us!

We can learnt a lot of from the character of John the Baptist and can implement it in our lives!

Matthew 11:7-15 ‘’As John’s disciples were leaving, Jesus began to speak to the crowd about John: “What did you go out into the wilderness to see? A reed swayed by the wind? If not, what did you go out to see? A man dressed in fine clothes? No, those who wear fine clothes are in kings’ palaces. Then what did you go out to see? A prophet? Yes, I tell you, and more than a prophet. This is the one about whom it is written:

Truly I tell you, among those born of women there has not risen anyone greater than John the Baptist; yet whoever is least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than he. From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has been subjected to violence, and violent people have been raiding it. For all the Prophets and the Law prophesied until John. And if you are willing to accept it, he is the Elijah who was to come. Whoever has ears, let them hear’’.

If you are able to relate to the above, I have good news for you. God ready to change you. He is able to assist you in being the person whom He ordained you to be. May we deny our own feelings, desires and ways of life and fully surrender to Him. He loves it when we wholeheartedly repent and walk along-side Him. Today is a new day, fresh start and new beginning.

Humility of John the Baptist- prayer

Dear Lord,

I come before You a sinner. I have been proud, arrogant, self-centered and not Christ-like. I have believed in my own strength, deceiving myself that I could walk this life journey alone. All I am is because of Your love, mercy and unconditional love. You foresaw my short-falls, my sinful nature, and yet You still decided to die for me. Forgive me for all the times I have taken the ultimate sacrifice for granted. Have mercy upon me. I humble myself before Your throne of grace and ask that You change me. Remove all my outer layers and cleanse my spirit.Mould me into the person You ordained me to be. Right now, I pray for the humility that John the Baptist had into my life in the name of Jesus. He was not focused on his physical attributes or the food he ate- he was content. Give me that same contentment and focus. Give me direction on my purpose and the grace let go of the things of the world. For it is written: “…that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus”- Phillipians1:6. In Jesus’ name, AMEN

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God over man

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When it comes to Christian dating, I have repetitively heard that ‘thou must not date a unbeliever’. But what defines a believer? Is it when we have declared Jesus as our Lord and saviour? Does one disqualify when they stop attending church? Is a lifestyle what determines ones’ faith? Or is a relationship with the Father more important than the human classification of a believer?

When we started to date, I knew he was a Christian. He didn’t speak in tongues nor had he read Genesis to Revelation, but he knew who God was. Church was not really his thing as his concept was that it was ‘business’. However, he didn’t mind listening to a sermon or two.

The first few months were the glory days; everything was perfect and butterflies tickled throughout my belly. Not long after, I bought him a men’s bible to help him with his Christian walk. However, his response was contradicting from what I had anticipated. The more I mentioned Jesus, the more I realized that we had different Christian norms and values.

Out of love, I decided to seek God on the matter. I wanted him to see God from a different perspective and to strengthen His relationship with the Lord. I didn’t really know how to pray; in fact I never really prayed in general. I didn’t have the words nor was I sure whether the words I was uttering were correct. I was so used to reciting the words of others, that now I was stuck for words.

The more I went into my quiet time to pray for him, the more the words started flow. I started seeing visions as I prayed and was able to prophecy each time I prayed. I started seeing the little words I mumbled during my quiet time manifest into the physical, and the prophetic gift was birthed. The more I prayed for him, the more I spiritually grew and the more he rebelled against me.

I went from praying for him to praying for a few friends to praying for people I didn’t know. Within a short time, God had spiritually elevated me and people wondered what I was doing dating a ‘not so spiritual man’.

We eventually got to a place where I knew I had to choose between him and God. Having him around was pulling me backwards and away from my new-found purpose. However, I found it hard to let go and prayed for Gods’ will to be done (however deep down inside I knew what this entailed).

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He eventually decided that I had become ‘too spiritual’ and decided to move on with his life. I felt so humiliated, as I had prayed for many people and their relationships had moved forward yet mine had crumbled. Everyone knew I was praying for him and for him to walk away was painful. I didn’t understand why my prayer went unanswered. Also, I felt the shame because many people had told me to end the relationship with the ‘not so spiritual man’, yet I held on believing for a breakthrough.

God is good and He is a God of purpose. God brought him in my life to prepare me for my calling and to unleash the gifts which were locked inside of me. Gifts that I never knew existed!

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My shame is what has made me the woman of God I am today. We have our lives pictured and layout out, however we are indeed not fully in control of our destiny. The discomfort of the unknown or the unavoidable situation which we did not prepare for were all meant for the bigger purpose. Right now, you may not be able to see it, but in the long run it will all make sense.

We love listening to the testimonials of others and enjoy the thrilling feeling of the goodness of the Lord. We ask God to use as for His kingdom and that we are ready. However, when life turns against us, we want out. We no longer want to be used through pain, not knowing the greatest testimony is laying ahead of us. We expected the journey to be easier, but with God there is no such thing as an easy testimony- that is why they are so unique.

The beauty about life experiences is that there is always something to learn. Despite, the heartache, disappointment or failure, there is always a valuable lesson. No time is ever wasted, each minute and second has been used to mould you into the individual you are today. Without the struggle, pain and sorrow, you would not be able to boldly stand today. You would not be able to testify that there is a God. You would not have learnt to fully surrender to God as your source of strength, comfort and restoration. You would not have been able to finish the race alone. However, because of His love, He allowed you to walk through the fire. To refine, purify you and to build up your spiritual muscle mass. To witness His goodness, despite all that has happened and to be a living testimony to others.

Ephesians 2:8-9 For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.

God over man- pointers

  • Seek God for clarity. He does speak if you allow Him to and you will safe yourself time and heart ache.
  • Allow the Holy Spirit to guide you. Don’t ignore that little voice whispering, It really is Him.
  • Seek wise godly council. Speak to those who have gone before you about their experiences.
  • Actions speak louder than words. At times, we try to ignore it and to make our own conclusions yet the answer is right in front of us.
  • You cannot change anyone, only God can. All we can do as Christians is to live and exemplative life and to pray for others.
  • Accept that some people don’t want to change. God has given us all free will and all we can do is pray from a far.
  • Pray! As much God has called us to be intercessors for others, always be led by the spirit.
  • Ask God for His purpose and what He is trying to teach you through this situation. There is always a lesson to be learnt.
  • Say no to compromise. It is easier said than done, but by His grace we can do it!
  • Always put God first. When He is first in all you do, all will work out for your good.
  • Say no to distractions. Anyone who is pulling you away from your God given purpose is not worth your time.
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Not Christian enough

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There have been many times during my Christian walk that I felt judged by other Christians, in particular women. In fact, most of the judgements I have faced during my life have come from other Christians. You would expect as Christians that we would be the first to love and embrace. However, expecting individuals to abide to ‘Christian standards’ at all times is something one should strive for and something one cannot always attain (Romans 3:23). Nonetheless, what do you define as Christian standards? Is it something you have grown up to know? Is it what you have read in the bible? Or is it what you believe is the right way of living?

Many times, other Christians made me believe that I was not Christian enough. Examples of these were that I was a non-church goer at one point (read Former church girl), I drink an alcoholic drink very occasionally and my best friend is a non-believer. The list is endless!

The biggest shock came when one of my closest friends whom I grew up with got married. We became saved around the same time and in fact she was one of my first Christian friends. In fact, we walked the ‘baby Christian’ journey together. However, when she got married, I didn’t hear from her again. I was informed that she no longer wanted to associate herself with me as I was ‘single’ and only wanted to associate with married Christian women in the church. I felt unworthy. I haven’t seen her till this day.

The second encounter was this year when my friend invited me to a women’s cell group. It was amazing, a great group of women and I was really blessed by the bible study. I had in fact decided within me that I was going to return the following week. However, during the praise and worship, the Lord gave me a vision for one of the girls which I later shared. She was also blessed and she said it was confirmation to what God had been telling her. The next day, one of the girls called me. She interrogated me about what she said was my ‘lack of knowledge’ of the bible.

She started questioning me about my ‘visions’ and informed me that I was ‘spiritually suffering’ for not attending church. She went on for an hour on the phone talking about how my Christian walk was meant to be and how I was doing it all wrong. How can one know all this after one fellowship meeting? I was left hurt and disappointed. I started questioning my position in Christ, my walk. I started to wish I never shared the prophetic vision God showed me because I knew that had caused the tension. I even started to doubt my gift. But, I knew I did the right thing to share and do what God told me.  I never went back.

These are just a few examples of the judgements I have encountered, and may God forgive me for all the times I have judged others. However, I have concluded that these women have their own insecurities and need our prayers.

One thing I have learnt during this Christian walk is that Christians are just normal human beings like the rest of us and not superhuman. They make mistakes and at times do act carnally. Therefore, we cannot expect too much or be surprised that a Christian ‘acted ungodly’. We all need as much prayer as we can get,

Let us stand together as sisters and love and embrace one another. We cannot walk this spiritual journey alone. Always remember who you are in Christ Jesus. Jesus died for you on the cross because of your sinful ways, but in His eyes, you were worth it!

Not Christian enough- pointers

  • Don’t try and justify your relationship with God or your Christian walk to anyone, God knows and sees all.
  • Ask God to give you the grace to love all mankind.
  • Ask God for grace not to judge other Christians. We can only see from the surface what one’s life is like. God will also judge you the same way judge others.
  • Don’t stop interacting with other Christians because previous bad experiences. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to the right people.
  • Don’t expect too much from people even if they are Christians. A lot of Christians are still dealing with underlying issues.
  • Don’t allow anyone else to define who you are, know your identity in Christ Jesus.
  • Pray and bless those who persecute you (Romans 12:14). It is easier said than done, but by the grace of God it is possible.

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Silent lips

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Silencing my lips is something I learnt to do in this season. Who to trust and who not to trust is the question. Who will tell and who can keep secrets? Trust issues. Who will rejoice with me and who will be envious- paranoia. However, is it paranoia or am I being realistic? After all, we are all humans (Psalm 146:3).

I recently received some good news. Not only was it good news- it was mind-blowing news. God had done the impossible and in fact the whole breakthrough was His divine intervention. Bursting with joy, I wanted to share this wonderful news of Gods’ goodness, and how this fantastic miracle was going change the course of my life. I looked at my phone book and as I looked at each name, I started pondering on which friend I could tell and which one I couldn’t. ‛If I tell her, she will tell the whole world’ etc and so I went on name by name. At first, I thought I was being paranoid and judgmental, but as I elaborate you will understand why these thoughts rushed through my mind.

It is common within the African culture to be ‛pre-warned‛ never to tell people about good news just in case they ‛bewitch you‛. I always thought that was an overstatement and exaggeration, but with time I have understood that not all will celebrate and be pleased for you.

I decided to tell one of my closest friends about my news. As I started to elaborate in joy about the breakthrough, her face changed from excitement to emotionless within seconds. There was no rejoice, let alone congratulations. There was silence. When she eventually spoke, she reminded me of other times when God came through for me, and stated that God ‘always’ seems to bless me. I was shocked because she knew the struggles I had gone through in life, but at that moment it became irrelevant. I tried to explain to her that there are many areas in my life where I am still waiting on a breakthrough and have been very stagnant. She didn’t take any of it in. Envy blocked her from seeing how blessed her life was. It was then that I realized that she had been desiring the same breakthrough in her life and it had not yet materialized for her.

It is very easy to envy someone when they receive a breakthrough. One may wish it was them at that moment. But one will never know the hardship, waiting, sacrifices, humiliation, disappointment and most importantly PRAYER that one had to go through to eventually receive the blessing. People just see the wonderful blessing. We can’t compare ourselves to others because we have not walked in their shoes and vice versa. However, God does not forget us and He knows our prayers and the things we desire. We all have something we desire so badly and need grace for patience. Nevertheless, He knows what is best for us and when is best. Had I received my blessing any earlier and in ease, I would not have given God as much glory as I can today. It was all His doing and no human effort would have enabled it to materialize. I also thank God that I had not received this blessing earlier because I would not have been as humble as I am today. May God give us the grace to wait on His perfect timing.

I was quite upset with my friend and I just didn’t understand her way of thinking. However, last night I had a dream whereby I was walking with the same friend. I ignored any form of conversation with her in the dream. We were going to the same destination; and I was meant to take the same exit as her. She took the exit but missed it and had to go a long way round to get to the same destination. The Holy Spirit then spoke to me that because of my unforgiveness towards her in my heart, I was bringing about delay in my life. I have been asking God for grace to forgive ever since. Unforgiveness is just not worth delay!

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Is silencing our lips the option? I don’t think so. We need to pray for discernment on who to share with and who not to as only God knows the depths of the hearts of man.

An example of this is in Isaiah 39 (please read), whereby Hezekiah shows the son of Babylon all his most treasured possessions.

Isaiah 39:2 Hezekiah received the envoys gladly and showed them what was in his storehouses–the silver, the gold, the spices, the fine olive oil–his entire armory and everything found among his treasures. There was nothing in his palace or in all his kingdom that Hezekiah did not show them.

The prophet Isaiah then prophesied that because of his ignorance he would lose all these possessions and brought a curse upon his household.

Isaiah 39:6 -7 The time will surely come when everything in your palace, and all that your predecessors have stored up until this day, will be carried off to Babylon. Nothing will be left, says the Lord. And some of your descendants, your own flesh and blood who will be born to you, will be taken away, and they will become eunuchs in the palace of the king of Babylon.

May God continue to give us wisdom, knowledge and understanding and to give us more discernment in Jesus name

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The blessed mourner

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Life has never been so overwhelming for me. I had encountered hardship and pain before, but this was one of a kind. There were days when I sat in silence and just did not know what to say anymore; I was puzzled and confused. How can so many hurtful things all happen at once, and why in this way?

The journey commenced in January 2015 when the Lord spoke to me and told me to urgently go to Uganda to pray for my grandmother. At first I doubted my hearing, especially since my grandmother was of a different faith. However, my prayer partner received the same revelation and said she would also accompany me on the journey.

So in April 2015, I went to Uganda. We asked my 87-year-old grandmother if she was receptive to us praying for her and she agreed. We laid our hands on her, prayed for her and her salvation. She was so grateful and asked when we would come back and pray for her. That was the last time I saw her. She passed away in December 2015.

Last time I saw my grandmother, April 2015
Last time I saw my grandmother, April 2015

             

I was shocked as I did not have an incline that she would pass, let alone that the significance of the prayer and that it would usher her into heaven. It really taught me that when God calls you to move and do something, you have to act instantly- no hesitation or doubt. I was really distraught by her death and as she passed away a few days before Christmas and my arrival in Uganda, it was a sombre mourning festive season.

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It was during this trip that I got my hearts desire to pray for John, a minister who spiritually guided me over the years (read blog post – Discerning the season). He was a man of God who I looked up to, who believed one-day God would use me and wanted to see its manifestation. He suddenly passed away in July 2016. It was very devastating and painful. For days, I would stay awake at night wondering if this was really happening. I just didn’t understand how someone who had just started such a huge ministry passed away so suddenly.

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Minister and close friend, John Baptist Mukajanga

During this time of mourning, is when I found out my cousin, brother and friend Hamim had been diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I don’t even know if the word “shocked” can sum up how I felt when I got the news. Is this really all happening at once? How can a fit, athletic, non-smoker, 29-year-old have lung cancer?

I found myself for the next few weeks going to the hospital almost daily to see him, to try and encourage him. The good thing is that he had a lot of friends around him and a big family support. I continued to ask God to heal him and for his salvation (as he was of another faith) but he became worse every day. Within weeks, he went from being a healthy athlete to being unable to talk and eat. It was heart breaking. It was during this time that I went on a prebooked holiday to Uganda. Days after arriving in Uganda is when he passed away. This was August 2016. I just couldn’t believe that another close person had passed away within the space of weeks.

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With my cousin, brother and friend Hamim

The pain became unbearable- I could feel the physical heart ache. This lead to panic attacks and depression. Depression is a silent killer which brought along old bad habits/sins, confusion and disconnecting me from the Lord. I stopped hearing and dreaming and was unable to pray. The spirit of fear had taken over and I was unable to sleep at night. I allowed the pain to consume me, and that was a mistake I made. However, at this time, I no longer knew how to deal with it or what to do anymore.

A week after my return from Uganda, my mum woke me up at 6 am. She initially asked me how I slept and if I was okay. I said yes. It was at that time that she informed me that my other grandmother had passed away. This was a lady I had seen the previous week before my return to London. She was fit, healthy and jolly and there was no sign that it would be the last time I would see her. At this moment, I felt like bad news had become the norm of my life. As I continued to suffer from anxiety, I went back to old habits and sins. I felt trapped in a box.

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Last time I saw my grandmother, August 2016

During this time, people would still send me their prayer requests and would ask me when I was next posting a post on Pearl Sisters. But I thought to myself, “How can I encourage some else when I need encouragement myself?”

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As much as people told me I was going to be “alright” and “get through it”, the times when I was alone in my bed  were when the real manifestation of emotions occurred. It was at this stage that I realised that only God was going to get me through and strengthen me.

1 Samuel 30:6 David was greatly distressed because the men were talking of stoning him; each one was bitter in spirit because of his sons and daughters. But David found strength in the LORD his God.

The Holy Spirit reminded me that this was for a season (read the blog post Discerning the season), and this season would pass. I started to discern the tricks the enemy was using to destroy me and my ministry, and knew I needed to stand firm. So I took a step back from ministry to focus on myself, my healing and deliverance.  I knew I needed to continue, to encourage someone that everything will be okay.

I want to encourage you today that regardless of what you are going through, you will get through it alive and in one piece. We all go through stages in life where it is so difficult, painful and sorrowful. But this is the time you need to hold unto God the most. He is the only one who can restore and repair and there is always a great lesson to be learnt. It is okay sometimes to take a step back and reflect, seek God for direction and focus on yourself. Take your time, there is no rush. God has seen every tear, pain, and sadness and it is His will for your to be joyful. Take courage.

In memory of Jajja Namutebi, Jajja Namazzi, JB and Hamim xxx

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Growing up fatherless

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ps-3Growing up fatherless has moulded me into the individual I am today. The pros and cons intertwined together have made me unique. It was not until I started attending primary school that I realized I didn’t have a father. To me it was normal and I was very content with my loving mother. My earliest memory of desiring a father was during the days leading up to father’s day. Each year, we made lovely gifts for our daddy’s during class time. Each year, I would give the creative item to my mummy and the children in my class did not understand why. They didn’t understand why my dad was not present, let alone that I had never met him. I remember one year, mum wrapping the father’s day gift and she promised me she would personally deliver it to my father on her trip to our motherland. As promised, she captured the memorable moment of the gentleman holding my gift, and two decades later, I still embrace the photographic image.

I did always wonder what it would have been like growing up with a father. How would he have impacted my life? Would life have been easier? Would he be the person I would run to if mum was not able to provide for a particular need? Why was is it that all my friends had both their parents growing up and I did not meet him until the age of 8?

As I became older, I was judged a lot for not having grown up with a father and was automatically labelled as having “daddy issues”. The concept of “daddy issues” lingers among women who did not grow up with their father. As much as the imbalance remains evident in individuals that did not grow up with both parents, this concept should not be used as an immediate judgement towards an individual. However, in instances whereby other things are used to replace the emptiness faced by an individual due to the imbalance, there is a cause of concern.     

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It was always a lifelong prayer for me to get to know my father and spend time with him. God was merciful and this came to pass (read blog post Rejected but not forgotten). The experience was by far the most heartbreaking and painful one I have encountered to date, but I still thank God for answering my prayer.

At times in our lives when we desire things that God never gave us. We wonder whether God made a mistake or whether He forgot about us. We repetitively ask Him  “Why” and it seems God is silence. God is a loving a merciful God who protects His children in ways that one cannot express. In hindsight, I thank God for not allowing me to grow up with my father. I would not have had the great childhood I had and would not have been moulded into the person I am today. God protected me from disappointment and heartache and I thank Him for that. I thought I had missed out but God was protecting me all along.

A word encouragement for all who grew up in similar circumstance as myself: it is well. As cliché as it may sound, God is the only father who will love you unconditionally and never let you down. He is always there to protect you and always has your best interest. Although at times we may not see it, He always wants the best for us. May God teach us to be content with Him.

Matthew 7:11 So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

Let us stand together in prayer and ask God to restore us. May He remove all the disappointment, pain, rejection and heal us. May He give us the grace to forgive our parents and to see them the way He sees them. Let us thank God for His hand of protection over us and for the way our life has turned out. Our lives may not have gone the way we had anticipated, but God is still in control. May we rise up above all stereotypes, they shall not define us nor be part of us in Jesus name.

Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

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Growing up fatherless- prayer

Dear heavenly Father,

I give You all praise and all the glory. I thank You for this time. Thank you for preserving and loving me unconditionally. Thank You for the gift of life, it is only by Your grace that I am still alive. Today, I bring the issue concerning my father to You. Lord, I have so many questions, and few answers. It was not easy not growing up fatherless. There were times when I felt rejected, unwanted and unworthy because he was not there. It was not easy and at times I still feel this way. I pray that You will take all these things away in the name of Jesus. I pray that You will replace them with the fruit of the spirit. I pray for Your divine healing, that You will fully heal me from all emotional pain. I pray that You will fill any emptiness I may be feeling. May You turn my mourning into joy. Help me to see the positive aspect in all this. I thank You for all that You have protected me from. Give me the grace to forgive my father for not being there. Help me to love Your son the way You do and to see him the way You see him. Help me to understand that only You can fully satisfy every need. In areas where I have been trying to fill the emptiness with other things, I pray that You will deliver me. Help me not to depend on others but to fully depend on You. I pray that growing up fatherless will only impact by life positively and no longer negatively. I pray that I will see You as my father and may You meet my every need. AMEN